Who I am and Why

Friday, June 29, 2012

I mentioned in my last post that I would try to explain why I have so many weird issues so I figured today is a good day to tell you .......I hate looking back but when your past has shaped who you are and who you are not as much as mine has there is no way to never look back......I was just 15 when my journey into adulthood began ...

I turned 15 in March and became pregnant in July ...As you would expect my Father was so upset about this pregnancy so because of that and me feeling the need to get away from there I ran off and married the father of my baby in January ...

I was 6 months pregnant and 2 months away from being 16 ....I gave birth to my wonderful son in April but the abuse had already started from his father .....By the age of 21 I had suffered through a stillborn birth and had 2 more sons but I had also suffered through physical and emotional abuse like you could never imagine ….

I can’t even imagine because I can only remember certain incidents that happen… I have blocked most of those years completely from my mind ….I suffered that abuse on one level or the other for 28yrs…. I was beaten and controlled …I lived most of those years trying to survive …..

I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be because I was so busy trying to please him and then he always made me choose over them anyways ….I have no idea why I stayed all those years and I’m sure some of you are saying you wouldn’t have stayed but I went from being a strong willed young girl to a controlled frightened woman who’s only goal in life was to stay alive …….

I live in guilt even today that I had stayed and put my 3 sons through that kind of a life but in my own defense I didn’t know how to leave and stay away ….

I was 43 years old when I walked away for the final time and one of the reasons I did was because of something that happen on a dirt road that showed me if I stayed I would die and I didn’t want to die …So from that day I really believe the universal or some would say God set in motion a plan that would have me right here where I am today …..

I have trouble giving their God credit for anything in my life because if I did that I would have to blame him for the bad and people tell me God can do no wrong …….I choose to believe my decisions are the reason for both the good and bad that happens in my life and some things just happen because someone else makes a decision to hurt others to justify the pain and hatred they have to deal with ……..

All that being said I left and met a wonderful man that has stood by me since the day we met and treats me like a princess …Now believe me life has not always been perfect and we have had many broken days but one thing is for sure we have always come through more in love then ever and this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with …Besides his shoulder is my safe haven and I’m sure because of him I am strong enough to get by on my own but I don’t want to I want him always in my life ….

I went to a councilor when I left because I wanted to remember all the years I had block so she hypnotized me and took me back but it was so painful and upsetting for me she stopped it and refused to even try again because of what could happen…..My life has been so troubled each day since I left and although my husband makes me more happier then I’ve ever been I still struggle with my past...

  I suffer from depression and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD ….So that is why I have so many issues with low self esteem and self confidence ….

I was doing really well when we lived down in the States but it seems since I have moved back here it has nose dived to an all time low ….I have to really start working on it again and maybe even go for counseling to get back on track …

I didn’t tell you all this to get pity of any kind I just feel this blog helps me to sort things out and for that I am thankful…I could write all this down and not publish but then it’s not out there and I am not forced into acting on getting my problems fixed

I have had to listen to people say how one was no worse than the other in my life of abuse ...Someone even said that my abuse was no different then any event even smaller and could have the same effect on a life ...Trying to make what happen to me less important  ...

I say to those people today if one was no worse than the other why  am I the one with the scars and lost memories and if my past doesn’t measure up to what you had happen to you please take my pain and compare or better yet take my pain and I will look at you with compassion and try to understand

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“But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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