Been awhile (Just trying to get through August)

Sunday, August 5, 2012

So I know it's been awhile since I wrote anything but Ive been a little busy ....It seems menopause didn't really leave, she was just pausing for a few and now she is back and why they call it meno(pause) I have no idea .......I have been going through a very difficult time emotionally and although August is usually a hard month for me to get through anyway, It seems to be even more so now ....

Thirty seven years ago August 22 1975 I was nine months pregnant and due anytime when I suddenly got feeling like something was wrong ....My legs were numb and my belly felt really weird and it seems any movement from my baby had stopped ....So I went to the doctor and learned that my baby had died (stillborn)....... I went in the hospital that night and they induced labor the next day ....I was expected to give birth to a baby that had already died......

I was so scared and alone ....My abusive husband now ex abuser wasn't there to help me through it  and he didn't want any of my family there so I was a very scared alone 17 year old who already had a one year old staying with my neighbor  ......

They soon found out I couldn't  born the baby myself so I was rushed down for a c-section, where I had a baby girl who I never got a chance to hold or even look at  and when I awoke I was on the maternity ward with other mothers only I had no baby to nurse

They couldn't find a reason my little girl had died but I knew ...I knew she wasn't strong enough to handle the things that were being done to her Mommy

So with no one there to comfort me and my ex after sending the pastor from our town  to get our baby and have her buried without anyone there I signed myself out of the hospital and went home ......

He was working when I got home so I took the crib apart, packed away little dresses my aunt had gave me and had supper cooking when he got home ......

So life went back to normal and the abuse started again but I was unable to do one thing and it wasn't until seven years later when I found myself crying and spending time at my daughter's grave and questioning doctors on what happen that my doctor explained that I was finally grieving for my little girl ........

Now every year since I find myself really sad and depressed at this time of year ......My heart literally aching for that missing piece of my life ......I had 3 boys after that and I am so grateful for each of them but I still ache....

It's not easy at all and now with my emotions all out of whack I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going .....

So please bear with me during this rough patch of my life ......Here is a poem I wrote for my little girl .......

My Angel
I never got to know you, the kind of daughter you would be
I never got to curl your hair or hold you close to me
I still don’t understand right up to this day
Why God decided to take my little girl away

I had so many plans for us and the thing we would do
But I never got to share all those plans with you
Its been so many years now but it seems like yesterday
The pain I felt the day you left was such a price to pay

I know God must have needed you to take you back so soon
But I think of you each night I stare up at the stars and moon
So this poem is a tribute I have written for you my little girl
Even if I didn't get to know you,  you’re still a big part of my world

© KB

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“But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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