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Friday, August 31, 2012

I am so scared

Well today was probably one of the worst days ever .....I went to my doctor's appointment to discuss the results of my colonoscopy and he said the words I had played over and over in my head and was never sure of how I would react .........

They removed a large polyp 3 weeks ago and today I found out it had cancer cells and they have to do another colonoscopy to make sure they got it all .......

When the doctor told me this my whole world suddenly froze and my head had so much going on I couldn't speak or think ......

I sat there as he told me that my brothers and sisters all needed to go in for a colonoscopy and to contact my children and make sure they all did the same .......

He said he was confident he had gotten it all but he had to be sure ....I looked at him and I didn't see confident, I saw life being so unfair and mine as I knew it being over ...

I know that's a little over the top but that's the way my brain works ....That is me and it's me coping with things I can't handle .......

I walked out to my car and I didn't even realize I had left the building even .......All I could think about was my Mom and calling her ....She had been so strong for my Dad who had passed away a few years ago with cancer and then getting through breast cancer herself ....I thought maybe she can make me strong like her because my whole body was shaking ........So I called her and she did make me feel better but it soon faded when I hung up

Michael was taking a course for work so talking to him was not possible but I called anyway because I wanted to talk to him so bad .......

So he finally called back and I cried and talked crazy and felt a little better .....Then later when he got home I was crying again and throwing myself a pity party with the theme why me ......

Then I got another call from my family doctor ....Wednesday she had sent me for an ultrasound because my liver enzymes  were elevated ...well now she had got the results back and needed me to come in on Tuesday to discuss the results ....Usually they don't call you back if all is fine so now something else

Anyways it's almost bedtime now and I am going to try and stay positive and hopefully everything will be alright for me and my sons .....I am going to try really hard not to worry ....I will take one day at a time ...at least that is how I feel tonight



2 comments:

  1. Oh Kat I am so sorry, this is one of those occassions that I wish we were friends in real life because I have a real need to wrap my arms around you and tell you its going to be alright, which of course is nuts because I have no idea what's going to happen but I may have no idea where you live or who your family is but I am your friend and want you to know I am praying for you x x the HouseKeeper x x

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  2. Thank you I live in Canada ..Im not much of a believer in prayer person but good thoughts are always good .......I am sure it will be ok it's just kinda scary knowing that I have to worry about this the rest of my life now and not only me but my 3 sons as well ......Thank you for your kind words and Im sure if we were close we would be good friends :)

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