He Loves Me...... He Loves Me Not

Monday, March 4, 2013

I wrote this poem a few years after I had walked away from my abusive marriage and had remarried Michael

 He Loves Me
He Loves Me Not
Life after Abuse

Well she was out after living a controlled
and abused life from a very young age
She had married a man whose hands
were so quick to be raised to her.
She had given birth to his children
and tried to please him in any way she could .
But nothing had worked , Her crying while huddled
into the corner to escape his fist, her pleading for him to stop,
Her empty stare and her blacken eyes and swollen lips.
Nothing had brought pity or love from this man.

Well now she was free!
She remembers well the day she walked out with nothing
but a few pictures of her grown children
and how she had taken their baby pictures from the wall
where they hung but couldn’t stand the thought of him
coming home to an empty wall so she placed them back there
and making sure they were straight before she closed the door
to what had been her prison for so long.

She had left a note telling him how she would always love him
despite all the things he had done  even if she hated him she couldn't tell him but she needed to try and find a normal life.
She had still in some way took the blame for each blow
from his hand by saying its not you
its just that us as a couple could never be happy
so I’m doing this not only for myself but for you,
So you can find someone who you can be happy with

Now almost two years has passed since that day and
everyone tells her the life she is now living is normal
but she wonders if its normal why is her mind having
such a hard time accepting it.
She has remarried a man that is gentle, caring
and treats her with respect but still her mind has found no rest.
 She lives everyday waiting, wondering, fearing
when it will all change, when he will show her who is really in control
and her pain will return

She wants to go shopping with her sister
who she wasn’t allowed to see for so long
and when she asks him if she is allowed to go
He looks at her strange and answers
You don’t need to ask for my permission.
But still she finds herself not enjoying the visit with her sister
because of fear he will be upset when she gets back
and she will have to be punished. So she rushes to get home
only to find him waiting with supper cooked
and wanting to hear all about her visit and the fun she had

The phone rings and its her mom and there is her husband sitting there
and she feels her heart began to pound
hoping that her Mom doesn’t talk long and she wont have to
look up and see him staring and shaking his head
because she has now chosen her mom over him
because she was talking and laughing.
But instead she sees that he isn’t even noticing
and when she hangs up instead of hearing,
Now that’s why your mom should only call twice a week,
She hears, How is your mom and dad doing?
Did you tell them I said Hi?

She cooks a meal and the potatoes has hard lumps in them
Again she feels guilty and stupid
and waits for him to push his plate back
and say I cant eat that why are you so stupid
You cant even cook potatoes.
But instead he tells her how wonderful supper is
and thanks her for cooking it.

She looks up to see him staring at her
and immediately she lowers her head and waits for him to say
You are getting fat and its making you look so ugly,
 I hope you know I could find someone prettier
and skinnier then you but I choose you.
Instead she hears him say,
you are so pretty and I am so lucky you are in my life

So maybe she has at last found that normal life she had craved for.
Maybe finally she could trust again and let herself be happy.
Maybe someday soon she won’t feel guilty
because she had found happiness
and her ex was still searching for his.
Still living a life of arguments and torment
 fighting to win control over his new love.

She glances up and sees the dozen roses
that he had brought her yesterday
They were sitting on the shelf near her doll
and other things he had given her.
All those gifts that she knew he wouldn’t take back or break
because they were hers and she smiled and says to herself
Maybe this is normal

  © 2002 KB

People may think once the victim is away from her abuser
They are all right and their life suddenly turns normal
But most victims of abuse live everyday wondering
    What is Normal
They live a life of not trusting any happiness or love they receive
still carrying the battle scars of a past that is embedded in their soul

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“But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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