Back to my Book

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I am going back to working on my book so I wanted to share a chapter with you


*Caught somewhere in the tangle of a love that went so terribly wrong
Are children who didn’t have a voice and have been neglected for so long *

My baby was home with me now.  He was sweet and I loved him as much as I knew how to love.  Right from the day my first child was born, I was told not to pick my children over him ever because he told me he had to always come first.  We were always fighting.  There was never a day of peace. 

He would get mad with me for some reason or another and he would leave and turn off the electricity outside or the water leaving me with no way to even warm milk for the baby.  My dad would have to come over and talk to him telling him “She needs water or electricity to feed that sweet little baby boy you have” talking him into turning it back on.  It’s so ironic that my father, who was so determined to not have this little baby in our life, was now begging him to take better care of the baby. 

Whenever he left home, he would take the phone with him so I couldn’t talk to anyone, He told me once the phone was cut but it was just unplugged and stashed in a cabinet.  One day, I discovered one of the wires was unhooked from the box.  I fixed the wires and plugged in the phone.  It was working. After that, I would sit on the floor and talk to my mom on the phone.  When I was done, I would unplug the phone and unhook the wire again so he wouldn’t know. 

By now, all the beautiful cabinets that I loved so much were smashed and broken.  No glass was left in them at all.  There holes in the walls and doors from his fist going through them.  The bathroom door was smashed up the worst because I would run in there and lock the door when he would come after me. 

One day, he was coming after me with a knife and I was afraid he was going to kill me.  I ran for the bathroom and locked the door.  He smashed at the door and hit it with the knife.  Then, he calmly said my name and told me, “Come out now. You’re making me crazy and I will kill myself”.  Then all of a sudden, I heard a cry and then a dull thump on the floor and I thought he had stabbed himself.  I opened the door and he was lying on the floor.  I thought he was dead, but when I approached him to check, he grabbed me and knocked me to the floor, put the knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. He asked if I thought he was stupid enough to kill himself.  He then laid the knife on the floor and started pulling handfuls of hair from my head and kicked, punched and stomped on my body as I lay there unable to feel anymore.  I kept begging for him to stop and I was so sorry for everything, but he continued until  it was enough to satisfy his anger.

There were times when some girls would come down to the trailer to visit him.  They wouldn’t even speak to me or acknowledge that I was there.  He would be lying on the bed reading a book and they would simply walk in and lay on the bed with him.  When I would walk by, they would be in there touching each other.  They would just look at me and laugh.  Another girl that lived close by would come by and they would flirt and carry on with each other. 

One day, all the girls showed up with their boyfriends.  One girl was there without her boyfriend and she was hoping he would be her boyfriend for the day.  They were all outside talking and I heard them ask him to go with her.  He said he had to get his swimming gear from the house.  I locked the door so he couldn’t get in.  There was a strip of glass just up over the door handle.  He was cursing and telling me I was embarrassing him and to open the door.  I told him I would not open the door to allow him to go with them.  . There was a strip of glass just up over the door handle which he punched in and broke and unlocked the door.  When the door opened I tried to run but he caught me and started punching my face.  My baby was on the floor on a blanket and he was crying from all the screaming and shouting.  He kept punching me to the point that I thought I would die there.  I remember someone talking him off of me.  Blood was pouring from my face, but all I could think to do was to run to my baby, hold him and stop him from crying.  He left with his friends and someone took the baby from me and took it next door.  Someone took me to the hospital and I was told I had my wrist and nose broke.

After, I stopped into my Aunt’s and I remember my Uncle was so upset.  He was afraid I would end up being killed while we were living on his land.  I picked up my baby from the neighbor and then I went back home. 

I don’t know how long he was gone but I knew he would be back in a few days.  I convinced myself that I would feel what it was like to be loved by him. I convinced myself that I was to make him know that I felt I was to blame for this and I would learn to change not for my sake but his so he wouldn’t have to be the monster I that I had turned him into and if I would do that then all days would be like this one where he would hold my sore aching body and climb on top of me and have sex and then tell me he would never hurt me again.  This is what I spent my time telling myself.  It was almost complete now.  I was almost invisible and he was close to totally having me under his control, even in my thoughts.




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“But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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