I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Monday, February 9, 2015

This coming June will be fourteen years since I decided to stay .... I had got to the place where I knew someone was going to die and more likely than not it would have been me .....

I had suffered being beaten, threaten, choked into unconsciousness, insulted, isolated, violated, monitored, judged, humiliated, belongings destroyed, blamed and forgotten and in all that there were children .....

But thank God in the spring of 2001 when one of the hundreds of times I had left,  my abuser convinced me to take a ride to a deserted woods road where things were getting out of hands in a very weird and violence way .... I looked out the window of the truck and there was a clearing off to the side and I saw something like I was watching on a TV .....

I saw myself laying on the ground dead and my abuser standing over me and I knew instantly I was being warned ...They say your life flashed before your eyes but the end of mine flashed before mine .... When we were leaving my abuser stopped the truck and backed into the clearing and looked at me and than slowly left ....I did what I had to do that day to stay alive but when I asked my abuser days after why he had backed into the clearing he said "to kill you"
 I am so glad that after many night of not being allowed to sleep and rocking back and forth on a bathroom floor with scissors in my hands begging God to give me the courage to kill myself I got up and decided to stay ...I am so happy I decided to stay here and not let this terrible time take me ....

Oh the things this girl would have missed!!!!! 

Here is a poem I wrote a few years after I left

The Past
She was sleeping soundly when she awaken by a voice
The sound of someone calling it’s time to make your choice
When she opened her eyes the darkness made it hard for her to see
Then she heard I’m the ghost of your past and you must come with me
Her heart pounding she said who are you and where are you taking me
He answered I’m taking you on a journey to your past and how things used to be
She said No please I cannot go it’s a time I have tried so hard to forget
He said Sorry you must come with me before your destiny is set
She stood with him in a doorway and watched a happy little child
Playing with her favorite doll and on her face there was a smile
Then she saw a child a little older playing baseball with her friends
  She was so carefree and happy it seemed her smiles knew no end
She said why did you bring me here can’t you see that child is me
Those were the good time from my childhood there is nothing here to see
Then all of a sudden the child was gone and a young girl had taken her place
But she was huddled in a corner without a smile and bruises on her face

She had been in such a hurry to find love she had grown up far too fast
She had married a man who abused her and was now back facing her past
She looked at the ghost and said you know I really thought I was doing right
I never dreamt he would hurt me and make me so afraid of the night
She opened her eyes and once more she was back lying in her bed again
She thought it all had been a dream and it left her feeling so much pain
She buried her head in her pillow to try to forget a past she thought was done
Not knowing she had so much more to face tonight her nightmares had just begun

The Present
She had just drifted off again when she heard another voice
I’m the ghost of your present and you must make your choice
She thought why is this happening to me I cannot take much more
But suddenly she was standing by a house just outside the door

She knew at once this place had been her first home right after she had wed
She heard people screaming and dishes being smashed the noise just echoed in her head
What was she doing here she thought as she opened the door and stepped inside
This place was suppose to have been her castle but oh someone had lied

She saw a lady sitting at the window with a blank stare on her face
She turned and said to the ghost beside her why did you bring me to this place
This was the place where I lost all trust in a man that I had loved with all my heart
He promised me love and protection but instead this was where all my pain would start

She saw herself losing her little baby and facing that terrible time all alone
She watched as he cut off all ties with the outside world even taking away her phone then the day she had her ears pierced and he switched her rubbing alcohol for bleach
She saw him as it burned her ears and knew he did it because a lesson he had to teach

Then she saw herself in a car her grandfather and uncle taking her away from him
Her eyes all black her nose and ribs broken and blood running down her chin
She saw them stopping at the hospital because the bleeding from her nose wouldn’t stop
She’s telling her uncle tell them I was in a car accident don’t let them call the cops

She saw as she lay on the couch at her aunt’s house medicated and so alone
Then she heard his voice saying is my wife here I’ve come to take her home
She heard him as he said my God what have I done to you please forgive me
She saw herself in a car again on her way back to where he said she was meant to be

She watched as each blow from his hand caused scars that she would bury deep
She saw herself grow more withdrawn each day and not being able to sleep
She saw as she convinced herself that it would all change someday
She watched the love she had for this man slowly being taken away

She covered her eyes and fell to her knees and said please this pain is too hard to bear
I can’t watch this anymore she pleaded won’t you please take me from here
 She found herself back in her bed but this time tears were flowing down her face
She knew she would never sleep now so back and forth the room she paced

But more was in store for her tonight and her nightmares had not yet come to an end
She would take another trip and she was feeling so weak her legs became to bend
She lay on her bed again and cried while memories were flooding inside her head
She knew another ghost would come and she was so scared laying there in her bed

The Future
She must have fallen back to sleep but was awaken by another voice
I am the ghost of your future and you must make your choice
She shook her head and looked at the ghost and said No I refuse to go
But suddenly she was standing in a place all alone and she was shaking so

She was standing in her home but something terrible had happen here tonight
There was nothing only silence and she knew it was all over she had stopped the fight
She walked towards the bathroom and slowly began to turn the knob
When she opened the door she fell down on the floor and she began to sob

She saw herself laying there and she knew at once what was going on
She had thought about this so often and knew it would happen before long
She sits on the floor next to the lifeless woman whose life had been filled with pain
She whispered you’re ok now sweet lady for its peace you will now gain

She said to the ghost this is no surprise for me I knew this night would come
There was nothing I could do to stop this she had no place else left to run
But the ghost just shook his head and said tonight you will make your choice
This doesn’t have to happen you can stop this and with that he raised his voice

There is still hope for you he said and you’re much stronger then you think you are
For this was done to show you the wounds can close and all will remain is a scar
So I beg of you before I go please won’t you think about what you have seen
For your destiny was being set tonight and I tell you this wasn’t just a dream

Once more she was back in her bed but silence also filled this room
She had never felt so helpless and frighten her heart was filled with gloom
She knew a choice had to be made tonight on how her life would go
She got up from her bed and smiled as of to the bathroom she did go

She knew now what she had to do she would not let this man win
She would pack her bags and run so far and never return again
She realized she owed herself so much more then what she had gotten there
Thanks to what she  saw tonight her path now had become  clear

She realized her new journey wouldn't always be easy and some days she would cry
But she wasn't prepared to give up yet and she certainly didn't want to die
She looked into the mirror and tried to catch a glimpse of the girl she had buried so long ago
And for one brief moment she was sure she saw a little girl smiling back her face all aglow 



angela said...

I have no words. Except I'm glad you decided to stay xxxx

Kath said...

Thank you Angela xoxox



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“But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favourite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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